Tuesday, June 23, 2009

On my mind right now...

Are lots of different thoughts.....

I wonder "who" I am!

I live in the US. I like my life here. I do not miss India at all. Not even my family, not that much (that is yet another thought I will have to talk about...)

Yet, when it comes to news and issues and what not, I am more up to date about India than the US. I realized this during last week's Toastmasters meeting. There was no set agenda, so everyone was throwing in topics for people to talk about. A lot of them were about news making the rounds here (Letterman, some journalists, etc) and I had not heard of any of those bits of news! What's more, I was not even wondering why I didn't know any of that. Deep down it felt as if it did not relate to me at any level! So does this mean I don't really "belong" anywhere? Not here, not there?

I grew up in a small town called Ahmednagar, lived there for 14 years, and then we moved to Pune. I did not miss my home in Ahmednagar. Ever. I do not miss Pune. And I live here now, and this too doesn't feel like "home". "So then where do I belong? Do I HAVE to belong somewhere? I guess not. I like it like this.

Its just a thought, not something bothering me, so please, don't tell me "don't worry, its ok". Because I am not worrying, and I know its ok :)

[Comments saying "don't worry" will not be posted]

The other thought......
I was talking to someone the other day and they said, wow, 12 years in the US! Don't you miss India? I thought about it and said, nope, not one bit. Sometimes I want to see my Dad, but that's about it. Nothing else. Then I started wondering...have I EVER missed any place or person? Fact is: nope! Then I started wondering...hmmm...why would that be!

I realized that I never had any close friends. Ever. I had friends, but no one so close that I would miss them. I realized that I never did anything outside of the house, from people other than family (why? that's yet another thought :) So no place I miss hanging out at, no people I miss hanging out with. I realized that I was never very close to my sisters or my parents either. No one I would really talk to, you know? No one. Ever. I realized I was a loner! I never thought I was one. Because in spite of all this, I have also never been alone! Ever. So its weird, I cannot stand crowds, I cannot stand empty spaces. I need just the right mix.

I suppose this is good and bad. I can live happily wherever I go, with whoever it is that is around. I can readily talk to people, its not that I am completely aloof (I mean, come on, you are my friend, right?) Yet, I cannot truly create lasting relationships and friendships, no real bond. I will be a good friend, I will not disappoint, but yet, I will not miss anyone that's not around. You know what I mean? I wonder if most people are like this, or most people have at least one or two people they can absolutely not do without!?

Its just a thought, not something bothering me, so please, don't tell me "don't worry, its ok". Because I am not worrying, and I know its ok :)

[Comments saying "don't worry" will not be posted]

26 comments:

Arv said...

Hmmm.... as much as I'm tempted to say those banned words... I will refrain :)

All I can say is Home is where the heart is and as long as it is happy, all is well in life :)

take care da... cheers...

aneri_masi said...

@Arv, but whyyyy are you tempted to say it? I did say na, ke I am not worried? I am happy with the way things are.

The heart is wherever I am, so home goes with me. I feel at home everywhere that I am welcomed :)

D said...

My oh my, what do I say but that this sounds totally alien to me? When The Guy and I took a holiday for 20 days (the longest ever), we had actually begun to feel homesick! Even if I'm going out of town for a week, the sentimental fool that I am, I will call up my family to say bye-bye. I'm fatalistic like that - don't know if I'll return or not, so might as well say my goodbyes right now. Also, I'm 15 minutes away from my parents home and I miss them terribly!

There's something wrong with me, I think!

aneri_masi said...

D, I do want to come home after a vacation, and that feels GREAT, but if I have to move somewhere, I have no qualms about it. And I am half the world away from my family for over a decade, never terribly terribly missed them, not even when I was going through some rough times. The people near me at that time were just as good, maybe even better since they treated me like the adult that I was, not the baby my parents think I am :) Some of these were TOTAL strangers too!

aneri_masi said...

D, and there is nothing wrong with either one of us :) We are perfect the way we are, don't u think?

Mumbai Diva said...

hey, me like this too. I go wherever hubby goes. Cheerfully!!

Ria said...

hmm..that was certainly interesting to know wht kinda person u have been all this while. I hav rarely seen gals who can be so detached. Its good in a way, like u said u wudnt miss anything as such. And i like to appreciate ppl as they r so i will never say wht u hav mentioned in the last few lines. :) Its perfectly fine!!

I am said...

Hmm... lots of interesting, important and close revelations and realization of the self..

:)

Bold and Beautiful....

I have started to feel that I belong to the world.. and people who are nice to me, am nice to them..and if they are nice enough...then I miss them and they miss me too... rest, my roots with India really matters as long as my family, close one exist there. I am only concerned about them and I will go back for them.. Rest the country as such does not matter to me anymore..

And this loss happened after the 26/11.. Its strange how politics effect us.. but I think it does..

As long as my family is safe i don't really care about the national problems.. and as long as I can attend or take care of some of the non-family members...around the world..I am happy.. is what I think these days...

As I belong to myself and the world... :)

Anonymous said...

Interesting. You have encapsulated my sentiments exactly. It sometimes seems that that part of me which ought to feel all those emotions is switched off.

It never bothered me when I moved to the US, or the fact that I couldn't meet my family/friends. Most of the times I can't be bothered to call people and be proactive about staying in touch, because the things I do by myself (or immediate family) are infinitely more interesting than the effort it would take to pick up the phone.

Sometimes I feel like something is wrong with me to feel this way, (which is different from thinking my thought process is wrong), but most of the time, I shrug and move on since I don't feel the loss in any case. Rather as you mentioned I feel just fine!

I will leave you with a quote from Lorraine Hansberry, "The thing that makes you exceptional, if you are at all, is inevitably that which must also make you lonely".

Cuckoo said...

Do I have to say anything here ? You said it all and yes, you are perfectly normal. :)

I can't say I am exactly like you just coz I also didn't miss India on any front (except for the occasional urge of meeting my immediate family) when I was abroad. Some nostalgic memories are always there but that's a past and we move on w/o them bothering us. :)

Some of us have the capability to adapt to our surroundings gracefully and happily.

I cannot truly create lasting relationships and friendships, no real bond.... Are you sure ? It may not be a close friendship/relationship but lasting it can be if you happen to be in touch all the time. What do you say ?

Nice post !! Forced me to comment here. :)

my space said...

Nirmohi!
Aneri i think you are really happy cos you have found the key to happiness...detachment!
Attachment to any person, place,event thing is bound to bring pain...
So good for you...I may not be as detached as you are but m getting there ;-)

Mysterious Mia said...

well i think yur more of a practical person so u dont emotionally attach yruself to an extent where it wud start pinching u....which in a way is good .....n i dont think u shud question it...as long as yur happy with the way things are thats what matters.....u are where u belong ....so good inne :)

aneri_masi said...

MD, :)

Ria, I think it is because I left so long ago, and have been by myself for so long. I just got conditioned this way.

aneri_masi said...

@Tanu, well, I don't miss ppl, no matter what. That was the point I was trying to make. Sure, I think about them, but I don't long for them to be near me.

As for not caring for India...I think I will always care. Its second nature. In fact the politics is all the more reason to care. Politicians and their games are not what makes the country, its the people! You will say, well the people also didn't do much, still, I cannot stop thinking of Indians as my apna!

aneri_masi said...

Anon, would be nice to know who you are :)

And yes, its the same with me and the phone. Although, I think its a weirdness about me. I can email pages and pages to people, but I cannot talk on the phone :)

@Cuckoo, well that is the point. I think of my friends and family all the time, but won't say I am in touch with them that much.

aneri_masi said...

@mySpace, I like that word :) Nirmohi :) Being detached is fine with me. But sometimes it sends the wrong message. I am not in touch with people I care about, and because of this they feel I don't care. And that's not true. You see what I mean?

@Mia, yep, good it is :)

Anonymous said...

Anon, would be nice to know who you are :)

See it doesn't bother me that you want to know who I am. :) Seriously though, unlike you I am still not comfortable coming out of the 'cold' closet (unfortunately refridgerator just doesn't work as well here).

Sometimes this emotionless feeling and the lack of sentiment during my own subsequent post mortem analysis scares me. It isn't something I feel comfortable telling people around me that, 'you know if you weren't around, I wouldn't really be all broken up, rather I would be just fine'.

aneri_masi said...

Anon, no no, I don't think I have ever said this to anyone either. That would be terribly rude!

And I think, truth is no one really is all broken without anyone. Life just is like that. Even if you think you cannot live without someone, you sure can :)

Its fine, you can keep your anonymity :)

I am said...

Oh I am a totally totally MISS MISS person !

But no matter how much I miss someone today I know tomorrow I won't the same :)


I get bored by missing someone or the same person for long :) he he

Ash said...

U know what? iam just like dat. But unfortunately I havent moved anywhere! I've been in my hometown for all of my 22 years. I KNOW that it isn't normal. Wish i could delude myself into thinking its ok like u hve, that wud make life so much easier!

Anonymous said...

@AM - Well now everyone who knows you and has read your blog knows how you feel! :)

@Ash - I think the comment on 'delusion' was a little strongly put. I don't think of it as delusional thinking to think the behavior is okay. But if you do feel strongly enough that you shouldn't be feeling emotionally detached from things, you probably aren't as emotionally detached, and while AM's shoe might seem like it fits your personality, it probably doesn't and you need to look into exactly why you 'think' you feel detached.

aneri_masi said...

@ash, if you haven't gone away from your friends and family and your town, then how do you know this is how you are? Maybe you are not.

And it IS ok. Fighting what you feel is only going to make you miserable.

@anon, but I don't think i made it sound offensive at all. I did make it clear that I care a LOT for all my friends and family, just am not miserable if they are not around. I guess it should make them happy that I am happy wherever I am :)

Fallen Angel said...

Self Discoveries !
Hmmm.... :-)


I would say " u adapt easily " , and thats Gooooodd ! :-)

aneri_masi said...

@Angel, Nice to see you here :)
Yep, you got it, I adapt!

Just curious, how'd you find my blog?

Enduring Spirit said...

Its human nature...however much we might refuse to admit... we are all rolling stones... why we need to rolling stones.. ?? i guess you know..

geet said...

i am lot like you mentioned here. even i never missed my parents in my 3 years stint in US. people did ask me questions but i never cared. and same is with long lasting friends.